Hellurrrr my lovely readers,
Mocks season is over, US university application season is nearing its end (finally) and its time to get into the groove of studying for the IB which is quickly dawning upon some IB students- thanks IBO. I’m elated as you can tell. Undoubtedly, the last few months have tested me, the last few weeks tried to end me and the last few days? Well, those have taken me on an emotional roller coaster that only seems to be going downwards at the moment ☹. So, this article is a just a little expression of vulnerability because I’m tired of being strong and pretending that everything is ok. Really tired.
As the title has probably unfortunately led you to believe, I am not depressed (at least not that I know of). I’m just really disappointed in myself. Depression (in the context of this post) is a local noodle restaurant in Ma On Shan that has THE BEST potato noodles on the planet and these delectable, golden-brown rounds of happiness also known as cheese tofu 🤤.
After a turbulent few days of sporadic outbursts of tears, splitting headaches and just general fatigue, I had a few hours yesterday where I felt better. Why? A bowl of steaming, spicy noodles, a plate of cheese tofu and animated conversation helped start to get me out of a mental hole I’ve been in. Ironically, at a restaurant called sad, sour, spicy noodles( 傷心酸辣粉 ). Lmao.
Unfortunately, like Depression which is apparently closing on the 6th of April, my time at LPC is also nearing its end.
As I mentioned earlier, US university admission decision season has fallen upon us and is finally nearing its conclusion. It’s been a time full of anxiousness, joy, gratefulness, frustration and anger. To keep things short (and myself out of trouble with my parents ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ), a few classes were skipped, I cried a bit a lot and had a few panic attacks. Fun times, I know 😉. It’s been tough with a capital T. One thing I wish I’d been better prepared for though, was the large possibility of not having the chance to attend one of my favourite schools. Opening so many rejections left me feeling crushed and honestly, like a failure. Before receiving my decisions, I’d watched SEVERAL college decision reaction videos in preparation for my turn. I’d seen the kids who got accepted into the most prestigious universities in the world, but also the guy who got rejected by all the schools he applied to. I’d seen some people destroyed by their decisions and others cry in tears of joy. I didn’t understand why it was all so emotional. Then…I completed the Common App, wrote roughly 20 supplemental essays, three 650-word essays, asked my parents to fill in my financial aid application forms, pay about 400 US dollars in application fees and took the SATs and a subject test for ~a chance~ to attend a uni I really liked. *deep sigh* Like do I laugh or cry at this point because…🤡🤡 It was all boiling down to decision days. I’d marked them down in my calendar, converted the time differences and woken up at 6am to see if my work had amounted to something. You know, its so funny now to understand how much pressure I put on myself and the outcomes that I received because whew chile…it hurt(s). Seeing the words “I regret to inform” or “with genuine regret” 5 out of 7 times, FIRST THING IN THE MORNING was painfully horrible.
Especially from places where I had really begun to visualize myself in. *Insert Amherst College* 🥺
Amherst was one of my top choices and yes, I know the chances were slim but let me tell you how I played myself because this one I just set myself up for a disastrous day. The day decisions came out, I had my French FINAL oral for the IB and like the impatient fool I am, decided to check my Amherst decision at 6:21 am when my exam was at 9:20am 😭
Am I a clown or am I clown?
Anyway, Amherst rejected me 🙂 and I had to tough it out despite my sadness and do my French oral because this was my FINAL!! So, at least I can say I’ve learnt resilience? 😉
So yeah, in terms of school and my academic future, its been difficult because I feel very unaccomplished at the moment. I know its not the end of the world and as dramatic as I’m probably framing it, but its what it feels like for me right now.
What’s compounded the anxiousness for me is the fact that my parents believe so strongly in me so it feels like I failed to deliver. They’ve done literally everything they needed to do so I can have some solid chances and I’ve been feeling like I just haven’t made it completely worth it. The worst part for me hasn’t actually been the actual rejections to be honest. It’s been telling my parents.
This segues nicely into the the third and and final topic in the title of this post- mental health.
I’m not about to give you advice don’t worry. 😉 I’m just going to tell you what one of my roommates told me while I was going through one of my slumps and shutting everyone out. “You need to be careful…” Not just with how I react (emotionally and mentally) to what happens, but in recognizing unhealthy patterns within myself and how I treat myself because its really easy to go down a hole of toxic behaviours.
I feel very grateful to have roommates who care about my well being to remind me to talk about my mental or emotional struggles because I really do not like to seriously address them. If you’ve met me, you’ve probably seen me jokingly express my problems. I’m “strong” remember? 🙃I’d rather just cry on the roof to be honest or force myself to start exercising 4 times a week out of nowhere. It’s just not a thing I’m good at yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
To be frank, I think I’m still coming to terms with how the entire process has unfolded and the disappointment I’ve felt both in the results themselves and myself. I’d be lying if I said I was fine now because I’m not. I’m not sharing this to get pity or for anyone to ask how I’m doing because that question is too heavy to be asked if you expect to get “good” or “fine” as the only possible answers. I can’t answer that question honestly at the moment and that’s ok. There’s a little more that I know has gone into making me feel this way but I’m not pouring anymore of my thoughts or emotions on my website. 😂😂This is enough from me for today.
Sending everyone love and strength.
Hopefully, it doesn’t feel like everything is falling apart around you. <3 But if it does, enjoy this quote from the man and legend that is Lewis Hamilton (adapted from Maya Angelou's poetry)- “Still I rise”
X
-Jadyn.